god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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