My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
