Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
