Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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