I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
