i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
