forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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