I wish I could punch you in the face.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
