I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
