No awkward lesbian experiences without me
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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