WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
