my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
