My hand turned me down
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
