Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
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I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
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We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I can't turn off my feet"
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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