3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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