I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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