When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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