I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
