The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
