he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
If I die, sorry about rent.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
