IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
