I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I want to fling myself into the sun
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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