the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
