How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
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this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
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captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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