somebody snuck up and got me drunk
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
