mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
