my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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