no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Someone came in the potted fern
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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