Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
