You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Too much gin, very little bucket
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
