NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
