Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
