Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
