I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
