there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
