don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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