i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I checked into jail on foursquare
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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