you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
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wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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