Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
