So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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