Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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