I intend to get homeless drunk
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
