i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
