My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I need to sanitize my soul.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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