U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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