Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
