If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
