I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences In Dating Men And Women
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.