just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
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Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
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I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!