I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
