watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Four minutes until I can fart!
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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