nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
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He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
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Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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