He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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