You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
