I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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