He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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