we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
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I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
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If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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