I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
